Clarifications...

I wanted to clarify some of what I said today. The more I thought about my comments on spanking the more worried I became about offending others in the class, particularly the other parents. I have a very different view of parenting than most. My style is related to Attachment Parenting first described by Dr. Sears. This method focuses on fostering a bond with your children early with the ultimate goal of creating an independent adult. The way we APers take to get there has recieved much flack from traditional parenting philosophies. I can't count on my fingers and toes the number of times I've been told I am ruining my son, usually by very good parents in my opinion. I did not allow my son to cry-it-out (meaning they are left to cry alone in thier crib until they learn not to cry at night) to teach him to self soothe and sleep through the night. He did learn to do so, just not at 4-6 months, but at 18-20 months. I held him nearly constantly (don't worry, he's pretty independent and doesn't require coddling). I also discipline by a different method, one that does not use traditional time-outs, or spanking, smacking, or any physical pain. My method of discipline is not easy and takes much effort and time. It also is tailored to my son and what he needs at the time. A lot of focus is given to the root cause of a problem. If my son is acting up, I look for a medical reason (hunger, illness, thirst, discomfort) before assuming behavior. This usually takes about thirty seconds to determine (though occassionally I've missed illness at the start of a cold). If the reason is different from medical, then I move into looking at boredom, opportunity, etc as a potential cause for the behavior. If he is simply bored, then I encourage him to find an activity he can do with the confines of our situation which might be entertaining for him. 90% of the time, this solves all our behavior problems. If the root cause is simply him being defiant, I understand his need at 2 to try and assert his independence. This need occurs in children at toddlerhood and later as a teenager. The difference between the two is that in the teen years, the independence needs to be encouraged as they are nearing adulthood. At 2, my son's independence efforts lead back to the knowledge that he is still dependent upon me and his Dad.

The articles I was referring to are varied in thier purpose. Many dealt with "paddling" in schools by school officials. Several dealt with spanking in a home or research setting. The results of these studies determined that in most cases, spanking brought about immediate results, but the lesson was not taught. This usually was the result of being spanked without explaination (or explaining to the child while they were too distraught to understand what was being said to them), and the later life problems were typically associated with a lack of re-bonding with the child. Also remember the spanking situations I spoke about varied from daily to weekly. Many cases, the spanking was done with an object (deemed abuse by today's standards, but at the time participants in the long-term studies were spanked, it was considered appropriate to use a switch or wooden spoon, or even a belt). The spankings were also used more frequently and for less severe offenses as the child progressed in age.

I do not believe in spanking my child. I do not feel that I have the right to tell other parents how to raise thier own children. I do not want to be forced to spank mine, so why should I take away that right from others? I typically come on pretty strongly about this issue because I am so often called a "permissive" or "lazy" parent by those that have not met my child, and assume this simply by virtue of the fact that I do not spank him. I am often asked by family members what I use to spank him, a switch or wooden spoon.

Research exists on nearly ever topic and with nearly every result as the outcome. There is certainly as much evidence to support the use of spanking as to discourage it. My research has focused on the effects seen of spanking, not on the possitive aspects of that disciplinary style. I do not feel parents that spank are abusive and I do not feel that they are in anyway less "parental" than I am. The whole point of me bringing that topic up was to suggest that parents will usually continue to do what they believe is right, regardless of what information they are provided. This is just as true in my household where I continue to allow my son to have bottles at night despite the fact that it may disrupt his tooth position. I am concerned about it, however, have decided that 20 minutes of a bottle of water is not the worst thing in the long run. The reason he still has a bottle instead of losing it at 1 year is medical and was a decision based on health problems he had at the time.

So anyway, another long post, but I did want to clarify what I was intending. The ultimate comment, which I think got lost due to my strong opinion, was that typically telling parents that a violent media source can cause violent behavior in children may be acknowledged, but may have little effect in the household activities. Part of this I feel is related to guilt (if I did this for so long already, I cannot accept that I've done damage so I will continue and disregard the information). Lots of people that practice Attachment Parenting like I do refuse to vaccinate thier children, fearing the medical problems which can result. They know that thier children will be at risk of contracting potentially fatal illness without those vaccinations, however, they feel that the risk (roughly.01% or so of children have severe reactions to vaccinations which can cause permanant damage or be fatal) to the children is too much in comparrision with the potential of contracting a disease. They believe this strongly and disregard what they are told concerning vaccinations in part because they do not want to be told how to parent. I on the other hand, vaccinated my child as reccomended (though a reaction forced a delay in the vaccination schedule for a time).

I hope I haven't offended anyone as that was not my intention. I also hope my point is more clear now. Thanks for listening. If you ahve been offended by my snap comments today, please accept my sincerest appologies for doing so.